South African traditional marriage customs: Lobola and polygamy

No like my parents passed away and I'm left with sibling to raise and my boy friend is helping me financially he is paying for courses!he wants to pay lobola!

Thank you for your comments on polygamy on the internet. I thought this issue had been longed settled in South Africa and Africa in general. In the first part of next year, I am coming to SA to study kinesiology. I am a kinesiologist in the U.S. I also want to come to Africa because that's where my race of people are from. Europeans like Europe. So, why can't I like Africa no matter what its condition is right now. I am looking for a polygamist relationship. This is so not because of some adverse psychological condition. This is what the Europeans want you to believe because they have always held themselves out to be the "superior race" (remember Hitler?) I truly believe that polygamy is good if this is what you want to do; and no body should make you feel immoral about it. Many Bible characters were polygamist (David/Solomon). I want to find people who will stir me in the right direction because I am honorable and have the best of intentions. My name is Donald E. Harris. My email address is:
donald_harris99@yahoo.com. Please contact at your earliest convenience if you can help me or advise me. Thank you. Be the Light, Donald

It depends on who was at wrong, if your ex-boyfriend is the one who did you wrong then you don't need anyone's aproval just move on with your life the second guy must pay again.

YES OF COUSE YOUR FAMILY IS OBLIGED TO CONSULT THE FIRST FAMILY SO THAT THEY CAN GIVE YOU THEIR BLESSINGS IF THEY AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT THE SECOND HUSBAND.

Hi I just read your sstory now,and i must say you are giving me hope,I have a big problem,my uncle was traditionally married to her deceased wife for a decade,unfortunatley their children passed away,but one daughter left behind a son who is staying with her grandparents from her mothers side,now they had a RDP house,now the inlwas are chasing my uncle out of that house because they want to sell the house,what can we do?my no.0844882544

My son has been paying lobola for a number of years, to date he has paid 6 cows and the marriage was to take place in December 2011. However he became extremely ill with cancer and he passed away recently. The bride-to-be and my son did not have any children and she lives with her family now. I am a struggling widow and was wondering if there was a possibility of receiving if not a full refund for the lobola paid at least a portion of it? Can you advise me please?
Heart-broken Mother

I think that this issue of lobola must end because these days it is like a form of making business out of your own childrens of which is not good, lobola previously was aimed at joining the family together. it is obvious that a man will take control of you because he paid a fortune for you.

and just what the fuck makes you believe you are a native with an attitude and outlook such as that may i ask. You clearly consider yourself European, do you understand African culture in any context of the term, are you then African? Or just a failed 'Emigrant'. Do you know any African languages, or are you too busy in your life trying to conform to European standards, IN MY CONTINENT! You and your attitude are no South African, not even African. The only change you need to do is leave this land, and maybe then you might just find happiness in your life. Until such a time, know that you will never feel safe, because you cannot communicate with us, or extend yourself to true Africans, not the same way as we have embraced your culture. I AM AN AFRICAN, YOU ARE NOT.

Why are you so judgmental? Please pray for it.

i get your point entirely. however, before critisising others educational standard or rather lack thereof as you have put it, look upon yourself first and if you can be helpful to them. I would like a SA where people accept their differences and debate on such issues without sounding superior to others nor trying to degrade other cultures. I do not know what your thinking was on the said matter(if you made an effort to think is another issue) but please let us be gracious in our approach to others perception and respectful to their thinking(however uneducational it may seem). however dumb i may sound, i must submit that i'm a candidate attorney(and coloured by the way, not that it shpould matter anyway) and have stumbled across this article by accident, very interesting i may add.

Non sequitur is part of African culture.
I make a decision, but you are to blame.
I want Western materialistic goods, but you made me do it.
My culture has been destroyed, but it's your fault.
What's mine is mine.
But what's yours is also mine!
Give me, give me, give me!
Give me a wig, sunglasses, skin lightener.
Give me BMW.
Give me bling.
Give me fake American accent!
I have just broken into your house and stabbed you with a broken bottle, but it wasn't me.
Bring me my machine gun.
That's not hate speech.
And kill the boer.
That's also not hate speech.
And don't take away my stupidity.
That's mine too.
And I'm aiming at the Malema award.

You go girl! I support you, I am a woman who is willing and can't wait to practice it. I wish you can get a copy of my book I wrote titled " polygamist marriage is the way to go" please order it through my email address sistersinprinting@yahoo.com or call me on 0726406916

Mpho

I am a born again christian and I am no hypocrite.I do not practice sodomy,open of ponography or open sexuality and I do not support homesexual marrieges and polygamy.Not all of us are going to get married there is nothing wrong with those who are or want to be someday. if you are not married you can serve the Lord lack for a better word (whole heartly) if you are married then you can not be called at two am in the morning to join in prayer for a brother or sister as we all know that you are married and need to bond with your husband or wife.When our Lord speaks about marrieg He said that it is a union between two people we do not need a man of God to explain that to us.By not practicing polygamy we are following GODS truth.

Acceptance by ancestors... excuse me what about us who do not idolize..

I can appreciate most of what you say even though it's lacking in factual content and full of nolstalgic sentiment. But I must say I am seriously annoyed by your lack of respect for the African potential.
How can a person think having access to the internet is one forsaking thier culture. What is the African culture; living in mud huts for ever, warming ourselves by burning dried up dung? What's wrong with you, Are you saying that the industrial, economical, technological evolution and any sort of self improvement by the human race belongs to every other race but 'BLACKS'.
There are people in this world that believe that Africans can and should not learn past heading cows and living in abject insignificance. They don't call us Africans, they call us KAFFIRS! Please stop charing your thoughts with everyone till you believe that it's ok to be an AFRICAN and greatness being his/her God given internal, glorious right, ok Bass Boy?

You have no idea what you are talking about, do you? Culturally we have diversed to follow the european culture or lack of culture as a whole. Traditionally, lobola was used to help cover the cost of the wedding and was usually between 2 and 4 cows. Only kings and princes could ask for 11 to 14 cows for his daughter, to ensure that the man taking his daughter was willing to pay and not just free load from the king. The king's who were looked to in order to provide leadership and example were to set the example, have unfortunately become obsolete in these modern days demanding money from us who work hard only to have to support our families, pay our taxes, and then also pay money for our kings. Tese days everyone asks for 11 to 14 cows. It makes no sense. Culturally we raised our cattle and lived on our farms and we had cattle that we could give as lobola, but now with the urban lives we live with money and 'civilised' lifestyle, which is killing african culture. We used to be able to give our cattle which if we could not afford to give, were given sometimes by our fathers, or even our chieafs and kings. Since when have the kings or leaders given anything back t us in these modern times. Working for money and then having to pay to survive and support a faimly is made even worse by the fact that now R50 000 must first go to the wife's parents. How could any parent expect their son in law to drive himself into debt paying his parents in law? Shouldn't the money rather go to the wife and the family that he teands to raise? We as parents should want the best for our families, regardless of culture or financial status. Culture was never supposed to conflict with raising a family. We have become greedy and only focus on ourselves. We ask for 11 to 14 cows from a man who wants to MARRY our daughter. I will not! My daughter will be given the opportunity to marry a respectable man who will not drive himslef into debt and enslave himself to financial burden. I wany my daughter to be looked after and get married. Not sleep around because her potential husbad cant afford to marry her!!!! Lobola has become evil because we made it evil. The white man did help to twist the system. They corrupted the system to benefit themselves. We as africans both black and white have forsaken our cultures and the true intentions behind the cultural aspects. We all focus on money and stubborness, but we dont see how the government and the rich ahve corrupted us. We are so naive. Lobola should be abolished also to reduce the spread of HIV AIDS... People are not getting married these days because they cant afford it. They just sleep with who they want and spread disease and immorality... Lobola should be kept to those living traditionally. Anyone reading this is not living traditionally. If you have internet access, you have forsaken your culture already.

Thing is,when a white man has to pay Lobola for a black bride you don't ever see them complaining.maybe let us not put the blame on white people.I've come to realise that they are the people who respect other traditions more than the black community does.I ges black people are not very informed about it, they just see it as the bride's family making themay for the bride and they are not informed as to why it was even started in the first place. Rather lets look at the solution than blaming people.I live in the U.S and you have no idea how much they embrace it,obviously because it is something they are not familiar with,most people oppose it at first but after a while when you start to explain it,they understane and end up saying good thing I won't marry a black south african woman but I think its white people who embrace it more than black people.

You have black people who say it is sexiest,I mean I'm not for all things that blacks do, but Lobola is one thing I'm totally for.I think black people need to be informed about such things, to make sure they don't go and cohibilitate with someone just because that person is running away from paying Lobola.

If you watch the new movie, ingxoxo The Negotiation, you will be proud of lobola process as this movie makes it clearer why lobola is here to stay for now and for a very long time to come. After all it defines who we are.

I strongly disagree with you guys on the concept of lobola. I strongly believe that lobola should be abolished for the following reasons:
1) It acts as a barrier to young unemployed men that seek to do the right thing (Christian wise) of marrying whom they love which is honoring GOD's laws.
2) With this unemployement rate amongst we black people, it acts as a motivator to crime.
3) The concept of lobola shares the same similarities as prostitution i.e. by paying the lobola amount you are given access to the bride. It is like having a pimp on a door to a prostitude where in order to access the door you negotiate with the pimp on the amount you can afford.
4) It does really put a price on a woman's head.
People, lets wake up and see the true nature of lobola which is that it is a devil's way of stopping people from honoring GOD's law on marriage.
There is just something wrong with this concept, I mean how do you demand R50000 from someone in the name of lobola? As parents, why would you use the money that you spent on your daughter as justification for the lobola amount. As a parent, it is your obligation to raise your children and foresee that they go to the best schools. In this respect, then why would you want some poor guy to pay back the money you have spent on your daughter?
There is nothing truthful about this lobola thing. Anything that is inaccessible to some people is no good at all in a social context. We are a society and as a society we must see to it that anything that builds a wall around people is destroyed and lobola is just one of those things.
Really, who created this concept of lobola in the first place? As the nth generation, how can we justify fighting for a concept that we do not know the origin and purpose of?